Let me give you advice…

While a quick Google search will give you anything from “how to poison your spouse” to “how to get through a divorce with Yoga” (fucksakes!), it seems there’s very little advice and tips that will help your friends deal with YOUR divorce (jirre, party vat dit amper erger as ons!), so allow me…

  1. Believe it or not, but you do not have to use every opportunity to tell me what an arsehole my wife is! You’d be surprised to find that I do not necessarily agree;
  2. The wonderful thing about us poor weaklings is that, situations such as these, brings on self pity in abundance. I really don’t need yours. In fact, it’s kind of irritating;
  3. If you want to know, just ask! However hilarious it is to see nosy people go about trying to get the low-down, your digging says more about your own self-centredness, than the friendship you try to profess;
  4. Don’t tell me to “please not do anything stupid”. If you know me, you’d know that I’ve made a life (a quite handsome one, actually) from doing stupid things. Please go and piss off someone else.
    If, by ‘something stupid’ you refer to suicide what utter, utter idiot you are! I’m sure people who suffer from illnesses that makes suicide a constant threat, or families who have lost loved ones in this way, will be very amused at your opinion that it’s something ‘stupid’;
  5. Gentlemen: you really don’t have to, all of a sudden, be visibly uncomfortable when I spend too long (for your liking) in your wife’s company. I’ve been fortunate to punch way above my weight with regard to the women I’ve had the privilege to have in my life. I’m not about to lower my standards now – your wife just ain’t that hot!;
  6. You really do not need to dodge me! I’m not about to go on a rampant shooting spree;
  7. Please: I’m not all of a sudden available to baby- or housesit;
  8. Please – I’m sure you mean well – don’t keep asking me, ‘what are you going to do now?’. Jesus, what do you think? I’m going to cover myself in chicken shit, tie a noose around my neck, and then run down the main road shouting profanities!
    Believe it or not: I’m going to do my best to carry on with my life, despite the difficult time I’m going through;
  9. Please (and this is perhaps applicable to me specifically) if you’d like to pray for me, do so. There’s no need to tell me you’ll be praying for me, just to be disappointed at my obvious scepticism in your belief that such a futile exercise will help me in any way. I have huge respect for your religion – but it is YOURS!
  10. Some of you were never friends in good times (by either my/our choice or your own). Please don’t pretend to be one now;
  11. I’m not a leper.